December 1989

Lisa said that someone called her house and told her mother that Lisa is a slut and that she's fucked all these guys. Things that were partly true, but come on! As you can imagine her mother was very upset. Lisa and Thomas are now friends, but she still loves him.

Today Rachel asked if I'd made up my mind about my sexuality. She said that I am gay. I said that I was glad that she could face it! I guess the one thing I hate about being gay is that it's sometimes so obvious. If only I could talk and act like a real man. Life is a challenge. God, I want to do well in school. Please make me a good student. Help me make the right decisions. Take care of us all.

Dad went into Reza's to pick up dinner. While waiting in the car I watched the same waitresses I've seen so many times before do their usual thing, and I realized that I'm young and free to do whatever I want with my life.

You know? This journal seems like something I can talk to. It comforts me. I'm just waiting to see what happens next…

I got my second smoking fine at school, but told dad that I needed the twenty dollars for a book.

It's cool passing Maggie in the halls because we cheer each other up! Dad and I ate dinner together and I told him about my trip. We were bound to talk about it, someday. We ended up arguing, of course. I let him know that mom does care, but he argued this point. For a second I found myself doubting mom. But I won't! In fact, I stood up for her. I have to admit that during my parents' divorce I was really brainwashed. That was summer of '88 when mom and dad talked and talked shit about each other. Why did I fall for it? It was their fault that I was so confused for so long.

God, life is scary.

Rachel came over to study her lines with me and we drank coffee, smoked, and listened to music. She told me the story of how she got herpies. Then we danced. We had a great time because I felt good about myself for the first time in a long time. So, the house opened and people started to come in. The stage looked great. Act I. The Bradmans (Debbie and I) came in. That went well. Rachel came in. I was waiting for her to forget a line or skip a page or two, but she covered well. Another actor skipped a few of my lines. In another scene we had some technical difficulties and poor Rachel didn't know what to do. We covered for that, too. Afterward, we went to dinner and laughed about all the blunders.

We went to Maggie's for the cast party. I had fun. I wasn't sitting there all quiet. Not at all! Afterward, we went downtown to see the Christmas lights. We ran around at one in the morning taking pictures. Some people went home, but Lisa, Brandon, and I went to the Golden Nugget on Clark and Devon. We had coffee and totally talked. We planned on staying up all night. I really got to know Brandon. We talked about death and the afterlife. It seems like every time a bunch of teenagers get together they talk about the same thing. Then we made up stories about people we know and laughed. Brandon is so cool. When Lisa went to the bathroom he said that he really likes her. And when he went to the bathroom Lisa said that she really likes him. Hours went by and Brandon told me that I was really nice and that he had been wrong about me. The sun came up and the three of us walked to Brandon's. We slept for a short while and when we woke up I met Brandon's father. What a hippie! We got stoned and walked to school acting stupid with big smiles on our faces.

There are some things that are still unclear to me…

I'm so frustrated and confused. Who can I turn to? Who? I just want to get good grades. What happened to me? I used to be smart. It's not that I'm stupid. I just need to collect my thoughts. Maybe I've had too much freedom. It snows.

Brandon invited me over. He, Lisa, and I watched "Hair", the musical. I liked it, except Lisa and Brandon were making out the whole time. I peaked a few times. The look on Lisa's face was beautiful. They went into his father's bedroom to fuck. Yes, fuck! I felt so stupid. They came back out and apologized for leaving me alone. I did kind of mind it. We went outside and smoked in the cold and Lisa told me that Brandon is big and good in bed. Then she confessed that she still loves Thomas and would get back together with him. If she had that in mind then she shouldn't have fucked around with Brandon. I don't get it.

I'm glad I'm so cute and loveable.

Thank God! Michelle and Mimi picked me up and we went to some guy's place in a high rise. The moon was bright and shining onto the lake and the Drive. Michelle and her friend went into his bedroom and Mimi and I listened to music. She wanted me to kiss her, but I didn't. I danced while Mimi sat depressed on the couch. I danced to the moon and the lake. When I sat with her again it was weird. She was disappointed. Now I'm home and in bed. It's just past midnight and I feel bad for not doing anything with Mimi. Am I gay? Who cares? Life's a dream that you have no control over. Someday I'll wake up and forget all this. That's the day I die.

I went out with my cousins and sat at the bar for the first time. I hate something that I always see there- straight couples drunk and touching each other all over!

I smoked a joint for the first time in my life. We were in the bathroom at the school gym. I shouldn't ever again, but… After school I went to Maggie's. Her family has a beautiful Christmas tree with presents under it. It made me sad in a way. Dad's been drinking again.

Melisa came to Reza's with my cousins and me. She whispered in my ear that she wants to fuck me. She's decided not to go away.

We got stoned and took Brandon to the airport. Lisa was depressed and spent the night here. We stayed up 'til three, smoking in the dark, telling each other some deep dark secrets until we felt sleepy.

We sat around the party with a bunch of college girls. Then I suggested we go to the Bistro, the gay bar. Lisa called Marcelo who's back in town and he picked us up. We all squeezed into his car. I got into the bar on Marcelo's arm. My first time there. At first I felt uncomfortable in a gay bar. Some people were really cute, others really strange and disgusting. We danced and walked around. There were strippers and scary lesbians. We had fun. I saw another Assyrian there and was shocked. I turned to Tara, Tracy's older sister, and said that I was embarrassed to be seen in a gay bar. She said, "Kiss me!" So I did. Then I asked for another kiss and she slipped me the tongue. Tara went to DePaul with my cousin Ray and knows him. We talked about what a huge crush she's had on him for two years now. We laughed about this while drinking. I went to the bathroom and this big ugly guy was feeling another one out all over. Scary!

Mom called sounding sad. I told her to be happy, it's Christmas. Not going to think about the future.

Worked in a soup kitchen and had to carry a lot of things and get dirty. Hated it! Then we went to Melisa's where I met her aunt with whom I spoke Assyrian. I think everyone liked me.

The eighties are almost gone.

Bought an Everything But The Girl CD, The Housemartins, and Madness. Dad and I had another fight. He kept bringing up mom and I told him he had no right to dishonor her. He's to forget about her. What right does he have to curse her out just because she's remarried? He hasn't even bothered to ask me how I feel about it. We've never even talked about my suicide attempt. Now dad's asleep on the couch and I'm alone. I know I like Leticia very much but deep down inside I know I'm gay. I've known it since I was very little. But I deny it. I don't want anyone else to know. But why am I gay? There's got to be a reason. It's really hard and painful. If it weren't sort of obvious I wouldn't mind it. And I try so hard to hide it, but I mess up. I have to admit I loved the Bistro. I loved being looked at by other men. I loved it when Marcelo and I made out in his mother's Bimmer last summer. But, God, I wish I were straight. Like Dr. Cooper said at the hospital, I need a relationship with a man to find out my true sexual identity. I'm only sixteen, how am I going to find a guy?

At Marcelo's New Year's Eve party Lisa told me that Brandon knows about me. I wish he didn't. I guess Lisa told him that I'm confused and experimenting, which is fine. Some of us went out to get stoned. Of course we were drunk. Thomas was being sweet. I was so happy.