October 1990

A woman called for dad today but he was sleeping. Her name is Nanni- an Assyrian name. When I gave him the message he acted like he didn't care. I think he was embarrassed. Go for it, dad!

Today something wonderful happened. No, I didn't meet Madonna. My cousins and I went to a bar where we drank, smoked, and talked like adults. We had a spiritual buzz. They said that I'm mature and they can tell me anything, and that they love Bell and me. They also encouraged me to pursue my artistic talents in college next year. I love life so much this second. There were angels around us tonight, I swear! Special things were said that would not have been said otherwise. Thank you, God, for this. I love everyone tonight. I'm in heaven. I want to cry, shout, laugh!!!

School was beautiful. I got to talk to one of the hottest teachers in school. Mr. Santi. He teaches freshman Religion. We just said hi to each other in the hall. Maggie's been madly in love with him. After school Maggie and I went into the library to study for our Humanities class. Did we study? No. We sat there and talked about Mr. Santi the whole time. Afterward, we went for coffee. What did we talk about? Mr. Santi. Tonight I talked to Shima. I don't know if I want anything with her. I don't know…

Maggie and I were walking by Mr. Santi's classroom when he came out to talk to us. Maggie, who's already met him, introduced us. He shook my hand. I wanted to laugh because Maggie and I spent all day yesterday talking obsessively about him. The three of us chatted for a while.

School was disappointing because I didn't get to talk to Mr. Santi all day. Maggie, on the other hand, got to talk to him for a half an hour. She asked him if he wanted to go to Reza's with us, but he couldn't. He even hugged her. Bitch! I personally think he's gay. But Maggie doesn't want to face it. She and I came to our house after school and listened to music, talked. Called information and got Santi's phone number. Maggie called it and hung up when he answered. Talk about obsessed.

What am I doing with Shima? Who am I with her?

Dropped Shima off at the bus stop again because of her father. Drove home listening to music and thinking about Santi. What a strange life I'm leading.

Out of all our friends who graduated before us only Maggie and I are left at St. Gregory. We went for coffee after school and I told her how much I enjoy being with her. I do. We talked about Santi.

Bell pissed me off so I filled a pot with hot water and threw his Sega baseball game in it. Of course, later I felt bad. Was it worth it? Watched a movie about AIDS in Religion. It was depressing and uncomfortable. God, sometimes I don't believe in you. Mr. Santi said hello to Maggie and me in the hall. I feel bad for Shima because I like Santi so much. It pisses me off to waste so much of my time being sad and angry. Came home and found that Bell recovered his game and blow-dried it. It works! Thank God. Thank God. My mind wonders so much about the future, music, art, God, love, people, angels, death, life, school, and me.

Another day on earth. School. Rain. Cold. I showed Maggie a poem I wrote about her and she loved it. She read it to people all day long. My art teacher loved my sketches and thinks that I definitely should pursue art in life. Santi and I said hi to each other. Maggie and I went for coffee and talked about things. I told her how in years if one of us dies the other wouldn't know it; that people drift apart. I shared with her my earliest memories of Hamadan, and Shiraz where I was born. After coffee we walked back to Maggie's car singing "Express Yourself".

Tonight the warmth of a waitress's smile inspired me. So, I came home and wrote. She was so kind and warm.

Maggie and Shima met for the first time. We went to Voltaire where we ran into Thomas. Wow, a blast from the past! He looks good. I realized I miss him. When we dropped Shima off at her house Maggie went to the door with her while I waited in the car. I heard yelling. I couldn't see what was happening. Driving home Maggie said that Shima's dad was crazy. He had threatened Maggie and pulled Shima by the hair. I feel very bad for Shima. I hope she's o.k.

Our class went to the Civic Opera House downtown. Maggie was in heat and was being weird. She kept holding my hand. It was uncomfortable for me. She said that Thomas had told her that I'd grown up a lot. Then she added that I'd grown up to be hot!

Maggie and I came back to my house and talked. Then she started getting weird again. She made me lye on the couch with her. She said she was depressed that no one liked her. Yesterday she'd said, "Let's go back to your house and fuck!"

I realize how much my mind was screwed up last year, and that I have grown…

Mr. Santi is nice, yet there's something about him. I don't know… Maggie asked him to go see "Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind" with us, and he accepted.

After school Maggie and I went to Voltaire and Kelly, a cool hippy chick, joined us. Both Maggie and Kelly admitted that they masturbate. I said that I admired them for admitting it. I think Kelly might know about me. Then we were off to school again for open house. Maggie's mom came and I tagged along with them. One of my teachers asked me what I was doing there alone, without a parent. Then I got depressed that my mother wasn't there and went outside to smoke a cigarette. In Ms. Murray's class the parents of a girl who doesn't speak English were worried about their daughter's progress and I reassured them that she'd be fine because she was hardworking. Ms. Murray looked at me funny and said that I sounded like a teacher. We laughed. Later everyone met in the cafeteria and I went up to my Art teacher, Ms. Brown and told her I love having her for a teacher.We talked for a little while and I admitted to her that I would prefer to have my mother there, not my father. She said I was being stupid and should appreciate my father, also. Then she reassured me that everything would be alright. Maggie and I went up to Mr. Fournier, our Religion teacher, because we felt bad for him- all the other kids make fun of him because he's queeny. He said that I reminded him of a friend of his. Ms. Murray walked up and joined us, saying I was always respectful in class. Maggie and I went to Java Jive where she talked about her father who died a few years ago. He was found dead in his car, which was parked in the garage. It was a sad day… because of people, so many people.

Maggie came over in the morning and we hung out. It was a beautiful morning. She got horny on me again. It was bad. We were excited about going out with Santi and cleaned out Maggie's car for him. But he called and cancelled. His excuse was, "I feel like staying in…" We hate him. Mr. Santi, you suck! Even though we were angry with Santi we ended up going to the play anyway. We sat in the café next to Live Bait Theatre where I had tea and Maggie coffee with two creams and two sugars. We complained and bitched. She kept calling her machine at home to see if he'd changed his mind. Every time she went out to the payphone I prayed.

Maggie was depressed because it was Sweetest Day. So, when dad was asleep I picked her up and we drove around Evanston. We got water and Suzie-Qs and sat in my car and talked. Soon she was feeling normal again and we were laughing. Now I'm home thinking.

Shima and I spoke for the first time in a long time. She was quite upset. She said she thought I was avoiding her, which I was. She was angry. I explained to her that I have been busy and that I don't feel comfortable calling her house because of her father. It was all bullshit. We hung up, both of us upset. Later, she called back and apologized.

After school I drove Santi to buy himself a pumpkin. Maggie came with us. He asked me many questions, which means he cares. He bought Maggie and me each a little pumpkin. Funny. I helped him carry his books to the door. He's so hot!

Maggie and I sat at a Dunkin Donuts and had two doughnuts and two cups of coffee each. We planned how Maggie's going to ask Santi to go out with us again- if he says this she will say that, if he says that she will say this, etc. It was funny.

In Psychology there is an Iranian guy. We spoke Farsi. Desiree and I hung out this afternoon for the first time. Is she really a lesbian like others say? I want to get drunk. I do. Santi, please don't cancel going out with us this Friday. And please fall in love with me.

Tonight was the night. Maggie and I got ready. Our hearts were beating. I drove. We picked him up. Santi was giving me strange vibes, love vibes. Maybe it was wishful thinking. Who knows? The play was wonderful. Afterward, Santi asked to be dropped off, so Maggie and I went to Voltaire. Maggie was almost in tears because we are convinced now that Santi's gay. I knew he was.

Tracy called upset. She said that her father had slapped her and pushed her to the ground. He was drunk. I picked her up and we drove to Tara's apartment. I came home and looked through dad's Assyrian bible. It was beautiful. I want to learn how to read Assyrian again.

Maggie and I helped Santi decorate his classroom for Halloween. Then when we were driving him home we decided to go to Graceland Cemetery on Clark. The three of us walked and talked, stepping on dry leaves. Santi seems so fascinated by the fact that I'm from Iran and that I'm Assyrian. We looked at the old headstones and commented on how beautiful and haunting they are. I got such nice vibes from Santi. He makes me happy. I remember looking up at the trees, smiling to myself, and thanking God that Santi was there with us. We planned to go for coffee, but Santi decided to go home instead. Maggie was mad. When we dropped him off we screamed with joy. Maggie and I went back to my house and she started her strange horny stuff again. She massaged my back and kissed it. It felt good, but I was also disgusted.

I heard on the news about the Middle East situation. It's bad. Saddam Hussein is gonna start something he'll regret. It's scary. Life's been good lately. It just has. Last night in bed I thought about going to Santi for advice about my sexuality. I talked Maggie into calling him, which she did from a payphone. Got his machine. She called again later and this time got him. We felt stupid, but he was totally cool about it. He asked Maggie to speak to me. He thanked us both for inviting him out but he was ready for bed. I want him! When we hung up we were happy. Maggie thanked me for making her call. You have to make things happen in life, I guess. It was such a beautiful night out that Maggie and I went to the lake. There I tired to teach her Assyrian. Eelanah, tree. Shraw, light. We laughed. These last few weeks with Maggie have been great. They've been so emotional. I'm loving senior year. We talked about graduating. And wondered if it's possible that we feel and know more than our parents…

It's 11:37 p.m. I have just touched and spoken to Natalie Merchant, the lead singer of 10,000 Maniacs! The concert was great. Afterward, Lisa and I waited outside the theatre when someone shouted, "She's here!" We ran up Lawrence to the back of the theatre, and there she was about to get into a car. I touched her and told her I love her. Then asked, 'Natalie, what are you doing on June 7th?' "Why?" She inquired and stared. 'Will you speak at my high school graduation?' "Oh, no, I couldn't. I'm not a good speaker," she answered. She autographed Lisa's jeans, signed others' ticket stubs. Then she said, "I'm sorry, we're holding up traffic." And got into the small car waiting for her. I made a funny face at her. She laughed. I hugged Lisa and mouthed to Natalie, 'Thank you!' And she covered her face shyly as the car pulled away.